Guest Post by Frut Skeftan

This weekend I had the unhappy privilege of attending a basketball game at Goucher. If you haven't heard of it, don't worry. Neither have I. It turns out that it's a game played by two teams with an orange ball, and other than that I can't help you. I have no way of making distinctions between basketball and Wiffleball, though I know that they are both the spectator sports of choice for Jack Nicholson and Woody Allen.
Anyway, my Goucher-enrolled friend Cheri was performing with a dance troupe at the basketball game's halftime show, so I felt compelled to see parts of the game, and what I saw I did not like.
I knew, of course, to cheer for the home team (The Goucher Gophers--honestly), which I took to be the players with "Goucher" written on their jerseys. Every time they made a basket, I cheered the loudest, encouraging them to "Fuck 'Em Up!" I began to wonder, though, why so many members of the team were white and balding. Soon my attention was drawn to the scoreboard, where inexplicably points were racked up for "Guest" every time the Goucher team made a basket. Yes, it took a while, but I eventually realized that this was a game of Goucher alumni vs. present Goucher students. This explained the balding, but nothing could explain the white.
More importantly, I had clearly been rooting for the wrong team (the alumni). But it turned out that I had been merely demonstrating a keen eye, as the alumni absolutely clobbered the present students. It was a bloodbath.
So here's the question: What the hell? How bad must your basketball team be if you play yourself and lose? More importantly, why are we made to suffer through these exercises? At that point, it is basically like going to see an improv show: plenty fun for the performers, but embarrassing for friends, family, and spectators.