Hokie preseason Q & A

Question 1: Who will be quarterbacking the Hokies this year?

Answer: The battle is between White Guy Who Can't Run (WGWCR) Sean Glennon and Black Guy Who Can't Throw (BGWCT) Cory Holt*. The wildcard is other BGWCT Ike Whitaker. Sean Glennon has the inside track. All of these guys are keeping the position warm for highly touted high school recruit Tyrod Taylor, who looks like Ludacris but Bill O'Reilly doesn't hate him. As much.

Question 2: Who will be picking up the slack for departed running backs Cedric Humes and Mike Imoh?

Answer: Branden Ore is damn good, but he's coming off shoulder surgery and may not be ready to go. George Bell isn't as good but he's healthy. He doesn't have an ass-kickingly awesome jheri curl, so that's another strike against him. He'll probably be the opening day starter, depending on how fast Ore can heal.

Question 3: So, what are the Hokies good at?

Answer:They have some of the best linebackers in the country, led by Vince Hall and Xavier Adibi. The receiving corps is fast and deep. And they know where guns belong - not on campus but in one's home or, in a pinch, at local fast food establishments.

Question 4: VT's schedule is softer than a handful of your mom's cleavage. What gives?

Answer: Fuck you and your attitude.

Um, alright, here's the deal. First, 8 games are conference games that the Hokies have no control over. Of the other 4 games, two were purposely-scheduled patsies (Northeastern and Kent State). In the old days these would have been the first two games of the season - now that ESPN is the de facto arbiter of college schedules (and they need quality games all year long, not just starting in week 4) those two games are shuffled around the schedule. The last time Cincinnati played us they beat the crap out of us (sure it was 1995, but who's counting?) And as far as Southern Miss, ask Lou. Personally, I think we might lose to the Eagles. Things will be better next year with a scheduled game against LSU, but things will be bad again the year after that - just remember, we were supposed to play Wisconsin in 2008 and 2009 and they backed out, leaving us scrambling for another game.

Question 5: So, what's the prognosis for this year?

Answer:. In the regular season, 9-3 seems about right. Miami is a loss, Boston College, Clemson or Georgia Tech will probably beat us (1 of the 3) and then we will crap the bed in one inexplicable game. Again, I have a bad feeling about Southern Miss. The Bowl will be second tier, but not 3rd tier. It won't be sponsored by a Credit Union, but it might be sponsored by a sporting goods chain.

*In all likelihood, neither of these monikers is accurate and both quarterbacks will suck at everything they try.