Sunday, August 13, 2006

Jered Weaver is horrifically ugly.

The Yankees lost to the Angels again, of course. We Yankee fans look forward to playing the Red Sox, and fear the Angels. It's easy to make jokes about their name, but hard to beat them. The twin ALDS embarrassments, 2002 and 2005, were total losses from the start. They were even the only team to sweep the 1998 Yankees. The Angels come into your stadium and you lose hope. Just when you've made a great piont against the announcers, just when you've convinced yourself that your team is not going to get beaten by Vlad Guerrero and his eight scrappy friends, somebody like Macier Izturis hits a home run. Or Curtis Pride, the deaf outfielder we DFAed three years ago, catches a home run. Or some rookie throws six or eight awesome innings (Jered, Saunders, Ervin last fall). One out of three is the best one can hope for against this team.
Today's game added a new twist to the classic Inevitable Angel Victory. It has always been frightening to watch this team play, and they've had some horrific physical specimens before (Ben Weber, John Lackey, and, of course, Bartolo Colon, a man that looks like someone inserted a tube into the decomposing corpse of Harpo Marx and pumped in 100 pounds of helium), but Jesus Christ, Jered is a new low. Watching him pitch is intensely painful. A misguided Unit-throwback mullet surges around his grunting face, which is so squinted and scrunched up that he looks like he's in labor with a third member of this demonic hell-clan. Of course, to prove the point, he's just as good as his ill-fated brother was always supposed to be, coming in at 8-0 with a 2.14 ERA in his rookie season. He's given up only four home runs in 11 starts, and even in this year of incredible rookie pitching is a frontrunning candidate for Rookie of the Year. He's even made it to the top of the Angel's official website.
The two teams have one more game tomorrow, with Lackey facing Johnson, in another showcase of hyper-ugliness. Of course I mean Lackey's face and Johnson's statistics.


Anonymous Harry and Moles said...

But my dad said he'd come home when the Angels win the pennant.

Harpo Marx filled with helium might also look similar to Harpo Marx without helium. He was an inflated man.

Sun Aug 13, 09:10:00 PM EDT  
Anonymous Major Kong said...

I believe I must ask a classic "Steinbrenner Era Yankees" question: Would you rather have a team where the players are ugly (and admittedly, your description of Weaver is probably among the more flattering that he has received), or a team where the players aren't even allowed to be ugly? The simple reason that Randy Johnson can't succeed with the Yankees is that he doesn't fit their clean-shaven, dimple-faced, Nazi-hair-cut mold.

Mon Aug 14, 02:20:00 AM EDT  
Anonymous Anonymous said...



Mon Aug 14, 02:29:00 PM EDT  

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