Thursday, August 02, 2007

Guest Post by Journ Sella

Recently, my friends and I began a mission to watch many of the action movie franchises we otherwise might not touch. It was probably brought on by the recent release of the too-perfect Get Rich or Die Hard Tryin'. We caught up with John McClane quickly, despite the stumbling block that is Die Harder. Next we moved on to the Alien series, which meant that the Predator movies must follow, so that we could see Alien vs. Predator in time to catch Aliens vs. Predator. We haven't gotten around to this epic battle, however, because of one major interruption:
Barry "Buy War" Bonds is on the verge of beating some kind of record, currently held by Hank Aaron. As a result, every game in which he plays is televised, so that no one will miss the stunning moment when he hits that ball over the fence (do they still use fences? or is it walls now?) and jogs around the bases, exciting and disappointing the entire audience. My friends watch this every single night, bathing in anticipation and rage. Hence, no Aliens vs. Predator.
The problem here, though, is that no one wants to see Barry Bonds accomplish this. Hank Aaron was apparently a swell guy, excellent player, longtime humanitarian, cookbook author, and real gentleman. Barry Bonds, on the other hand, is suspected not only of taking steroids, but also feeding them to the children of other players and blackmailing these players into throwing games so that Bonds' team (whom does he play for? the Giants, right?) may clobber all opposition as though instead of baseball bats they wielded Thor's mighty hammer, which is ironic, considering that Hank Aaron's nickname is "The Hammer" (or, alternately, "The Maccabee" - tell me Hank Aaron doesn't sound like a Jewish name). Anyway, Bonds' gall (or chutzpah) in breaking Aaron's record, along with the dick way he's been self-advertising, has many baseball fans furious and glued to their television sets. Frankly, this is the first time in history have so many people have fanatically monitored their televisions in anticipation of something awful since the weeks following 9/11.
It's okay, though. This columnist has a solution.
In 1980, Richard Pryor set a record for endurance by performing a two hour 41 minute set at the Laugh Factory. This stood for more than twenty-five years. Then Dane Cook, the biggest cock in comedy, beat his record with a three hour fifty minute show. For a brief period of time, the world of standup comedy was at a standstill. If Dane Cook could beat a record set by Richard Pryor, what reason was there for anything at all? That's why, in early 2007, Dave Chappelle beat this record with a six hour seven minute show, basically unbeatable, essentially taking the record back for talented, black comedians. Suck it, Dane Cook.
What baseball needs is for the player with the most integrity to beat Barry Bonds' record as soon as possible, and in an unbeatable way. The answer should be clear. Dave Chappelle needs to set this record with, say, 4,000 home runs. How will he accomplish this? With pluck and perseverance, of course. And possibly with the help of some strictly homeopathic nonaddictive supplements.

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