Sunday, December 16, 2007

Guest Post by Tiggs Hempel

It is a tough week for illicit activity. This week we saw the release of the Mitchell Report, which states that every single player in the history of baseball has used performance-enhancing drugs at least once per game. Meanwhile, investigations are under way into why the present administration videotaped itself torturing people, and then destroyed the tapes. Honestly, it's like Congress has decided to just shit on everybody's feelings.
To address the latter first, it should seem pretty obvious why these tapes were destroyed. These things get out. It's disconcerting, though, to know that four members of congress, including Nancy Pelosi, were already briefed on the CIA's intorturrogation techniques and raised no objections. Which can serve as a comfort: our lawmakers know what goes on behind these closed doors, and have no problem with it.
But knowing that our tax dollars are going toward the dehumanizing torture of potential Arab-Americans or Muslims of any nationality is not nearly as disturbing as the Mitchell Report's explanation of Roger Clemens' steroid use:
The report describes how Clemens got injections of the steroid Winstrol in Clemens' apartment in Toronto's Skydome in 1998, according to Brian McNamee, named in the report as a possible distributor of steroids.
McNamee "injected Clemens approximately four times in the buttocks over a several week period with needles that Clemens provided," the report states. (
I have, on several occasions, expressed confusion over the male bonding that takes place on sports teams. Honestly, though, there is no friendship closer than the friendship between two men who are willing to inject one another in the rear end four times over a several week period. This is something of an inspiring story--Ass of Dreams, or The Buttural. A story about how two men can get past their differences (one man is a player, another is a strength trainer/drug dealer) to expose their private parts to one another (though the Mitchell Report does not specify if McNamee had Clemens inject him with drugs on his backside, but one can only assume he did--thats' what friendship's all about). It would seem, though, that George Mitchell is intent on turning this beautiful story of friendship into one of drug abuse and cheating, like those people that notice that old Disney movies are racist.
In times like these, it is up to some foremost authorities on baseball to steer us right:

"Like many fans, I've been troubled by the steroid allegations. I think it's best that we not jump to any conclusions on individual players... Steroids have sullied the game, and players and the owners must take the Mitchell report seriously; I'm confident they will, and my hope is that this report is a part of putting the 'steroid era' of baseball behind us."

--George W. Bush

Indeed, it is time to put this era behind us.

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