#@%&*#! .

All week, the signal pyres flared up and quickly flickered out.

The Mariners had contacted the Boston Red Sox about acquiring the services of Manny Ramirez. When Boston countered by asking for 21-year-old centerfielder Adam Jones, right-handed closers J.J. Putz or Rafael Soriano and top catching prospect Jeff Clement, general manager Bill Bavasi -- staggeringly -- balked at the offer. Jason Varitek? Derek Lowe?

What?

So Ted Lilly signs with the All Your Low OBP Guys Are Belong To Us Chicago Cubs for $10 million a year. Jesus Christ, his parents actually named him Theodore Fucking Roosevelt Lilly.

So Kelso native -- and Mariners target -- Jason Schmidt took a paycheck from the Los Angeles Dodgers. He's from Kelso. Homecoming spells dinner at Sizzler and the acrid smell of pulp.

So Barry Zito desires a six-year deal. When you are 28 years old and
talk to the seals, you command your own price. Except Bavasi doesn't like six-year deals. Or 28-year-old left-handers. Or seals.

With all other options exhausted, and the instatiable appetite for victory in the American League West that is Jose Guillen in camp, Bavasi's only recourse is to ... overpay for John Thomsen? Miguel Batista? Ship out Richie Sexson and Rafael Soriano as part of a three-team deal that would net Tim Hudson and Adam LaRoche?

No.

But crapping themselves in a deal with the Braves still appears to be on the horizon.

Ladies and gentlemen, 27-year-old Horacio Ramirez -- whose injury history is at least as troubling as his career WHIP (1.402, and never below 1.343 in the "best" (read, most injury-plagued) of circumstances) and whose inability to strike out others (a career-high 100 strikeouts against 72 walks in a sabermetrically underwhelming 12-4 rookie campaign) makes him ... well, at best, one of the most magnanimous of the young guns.

At what cost? Only an equally injury-plagued righty with a K/9 just north of 9.0 and a career WHIP of 1.094 in 171 innings pitched -- who happens to turn 28 in but a few days.



What?