Saturday, August 26, 2006

Golf!

Yeah, golf. What's more elitist than that? Rich white snobs like golf, rich black snobs like golf. Fat rich people definitely like golf, like this guy:













and this guy:
















So, on with the notes.

- The Bridgestone Invitational is being played this weekend and is currently led by a big giant swoosh. Reports suggest a person may be under the swoosh, but no one has been able to confirm these rumors as of yet.

- Yusaku Miyazato scored two holes-in-one in a single round on Friday (in the Reno-Tahoe Open, the second-tier tournament this weekend), becoming the first golfer to ever accomplish this feat. It is at this point that I downplay this incredible accomplishment by pointing out that no Asian golfer has ever won a major, despite the fact that Japanese people love golf almost as much as they love working way harder than stupid lazy Americans and tentacle rape

- Tiger Woods: Still richer than you.

- Phil Mickelson has picked up a nickname among other golfers on the PGA Tour - FIGJAM. Or, "Fuck I'm good, just ask me." Clearly, most golfers would describe themselves as "leg men" (yes, a cheap Phil-Mickelson-has-bosoms joke. Fuck you).

- Davis Love III seems like he'd probably be a huge douchebag. And no, it's not just because his name includes Roman numerals. It's also because his name is "Davis". What kind of country-club bullshit is that?

- Ernie Els is from South Africa, which coincidentally is also where Charlize Theron is from. Charlize is a supremely attractive lady, but for someone who gets topless in movies a lot her breasts are actually pretty disappointing. Here is a list of the last several best actress Academy Awards winners and whether or not they got naked in the movie they won for:

Reese Witherspoon (Walk the Line) - no
Hilary Swank (Million Dollar Baby) - no
Charlize Theron (Monster) - yes
Nicole Kidman (The Hours) - I can't remember. Nicole always gets naked though, so I'll count this as a yes.
Halle Berry (Monster's Ball) - yes
Julia Roberts (Erin Brockovich) - no (we're still waiting, Julia. We can wait forever if we have to)
Hilary Swank (Boys Don't Cry) - yes (I think)
Gwyneth Paltrow (Shakespeare in Love) - yes
Helen Hunt (As Good As It Gets) - yes, but only properly from behind (front was in a wet t-shirt which would technically a no, but combined with the rear shot I'm giving her a yes)
Frances McDormand (Fargo) - no
Susan Sarandon (Dead Man Walking) - no (Susan doesn't get naked anymore, but was once considered to have the best rack in Hollywood. No joke)
Jessica Lange (Blue Sky) - I have no idea. Has anyone ever seen this movie?
Holly Hunter (The Piano) - dear God yes
Emma Thompson (Howard's End) - probably not
Jodie Foster (The Silence of the Lambs) - no
Kathy Bates (Misery) - no

That makes 7 yes, 8 no, and 1 I don't know. The lesson Hollywood actresses should take from this is, come on, don't be shy. You could win an award.

- Vijay Singh once got kicked off the Asian Tour for accusations of cheating (which he denies). I don't know who to believe, but I do know this: Vijay rhymes with BJ. Draw your own conclusions.

- A poll of sentient beings throughout the known universe has determined that Charles Barkley has the ugliest golf swing in the history of creation.

And finally:

- Ladies and gentlemen, John Daly!

5 Comments:

Anonymous Anonymous said...

You may be disappointed to learn that, no, Nicole Kidman does not get naked in The Hours.

--Benne

Sat Aug 26, 03:11:00 PM EDT  
Blogger Craig said...

Fuck it, I'm still counting her. She gets naked in EVERYTHING (personally, I thought she was sexier when she was young and a bit plumper, like in Dead Calm or Malice, or Windrider which I've never seen).

Sat Aug 26, 03:17:00 PM EDT  
Anonymous Harry said...

My general rule of thumb for Oscar success is if an attractive actress makes herself look unattractive. Even Halle Berry's nude scene in Monster's Ball is fairly gross (coupled with Billy Bob Thornton, a man who looks like his own doppleganger).

Mon Aug 28, 01:30:00 PM EDT  
Blogger BobCat said...

Female actors are no longer required to have major nudity in movies. In the good old days if a actress wasn't naked she wasn't making a movie.

Thu Aug 31, 01:03:00 PM EDT  
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