Guest Post by Short Redding

(Welcome to a Faster than a Shark semi-recurring featurette: Guest Blogging! Today we hear from Short Redding, an alcoholic with a bad back who proudly refuses to know as much as one sentence of information about sports whatsoever. As of Saturday, we're talking eight hours sober, if Friday goes as planned.)

Now, as many of you probably know, there is a television sports commentator floating around by the name of James Brown. While he is neither as soulful as the Godfather, nor as bad (hardly super), these are both wholly forgivable as James Brown made the error of going by an extremely common first and last name (actually, though, the parents of today's James Brown should have known better).
However, in news that you also probably know but came as a surprise to me, Fox (or whatever) has replaced the black and proud Brown with a gentleman by the name of Joe Buck. I hope that you all will agree that this is a generally unacceptable name to have.
You may or may not be familiar with the film "Midnight Cowboy" (for which the song "Lay Lady Lay" was written). If you are not, I recommend you trot yourself to your local movie dealer soonest and purchase it, for it is a fine movie. There is one rather comical flaw to it, though, which is that Jon Voight's character is named "Joe Buck," which sounds like the sort of name your seventh grade English teacher (Ms. Isaacs, if you are me, which you may be) would come up with if she were creating a fictional porn actor for a grammar lesson ("...so you see, "Go fuck Joe Buck is an example of assonance..."). Even Dirk Diggler is a better name, and at least that was tongue in cheek (since we are discussing porn, I wish that there were a pun there which I could insist was unintended, but I really can't immediately think of any).
In any event, it was 1969, an era where anything went as far as filmmaking and also drugs. But why should a real human being be named Joe Buck? Further, why would that human being continue to go by that name following the success of "Midnight Cowboy?" Perhaps NBC will hire a competing sports announcer (does NBC have sports?) named Rick Blaine. (I'm going where the sun keeps shining...Casablanca!)
So can we, as a nation of human beings, in some way keep this man from using his own name? Perhaps by giving him an appropriate and catchy nickname. How about "Ole Satch?" Let's get on it.