Saturday, August 26, 2006

Yankee Mustaches: A Growing Problem.

I know you're all familar with the Yankees' team rules on facial hair, and you probably think it's a draconian, perhaps even totalitarian idea. The rule has its benefits, however: it prevents the corporate goatee, the drawn-on beard, the pubic chin, and the soulless patch. There is a loophole, perhaps instituted to induce the return of Don Mattingly or pacify Gary Sheffield: a mustache is allowed, but it's never been much of a problem. Sheffield's is tasteful, and Mattingly is a coach, so his facetime is limited. It's not that all baseball facial hair is bad - but for every Roger Clemens, there is a John Smoltz, and for the rare player who pulls off the goatee there are dozens of weak little emasulated ones. And then of course, there are a few absolute monsters. All this and more usually prevented by Steinbrenner's rule.
As this season has dragged on, Sheffield-less, into August, a creeping trend has developed, the first evidence of which began to be visible in the Red Sox series; a new influx of uncomfortably bad lip crust.These things take a few days to move from the suggestion of a problem to a full-grown facestrocity, but they have taken prominent, undoubtable places just above the talkers of Jason Giambi, Johnny Damon, and the harshly set jaw of Jaret Wright. I've watched, horrified, as these things developed over the last week, cluttering up two spots in the order with manicured black centimeter length abominations.
What if this catches on? What if, Idiot-like, it becomes a thing? Dare the mustache breach the permanently beardless face of Derek Jeter, or Mariano Rivera? All it would take is some clueless commentor or beat writer to invoke the name of the late 70s Oakland "Mustache Gang", in the manner of the Boston Massacre last week, for this trend to enter the lexicon. I fear for the upper lips of the Yankees of the future, and for the children of us all.


Anonymous Anonymous said...

Zow- mad props with that title.

Sun Aug 27, 01:36:00 AM EDT  

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