Friday, January 18, 2008

The Glory and The Shame - January 2008

In my ongoing quest to catalog which sports figures are enjoying the greatest increase and/or decrease in good fortunes, I give you this, from the loving oven of my heart. Let this glorious shame wash over you and cleanse you of your sins.


1 - Eli Manning

What once was pitiful and filled with remorse has sprung forth from the depths of mediocrity. Behold! The Quarterback! Hushing his many critics for a whole week, Eli has served to prove at last that the Giants totally overpaid for him and still regret it. Sorry, Eli...

2 - Bud Selig
How did he get an extension so soon after the steroids implosion? This man has omega-pimp powers that historians will be struggling to explain for decades to come. Full, double hand slap, pimp powers.
3 - Dwight Howard
Currently enjoying a season of dominance not seen since the movie 'Kazaam' ruled the box office for two years and 3 weeks, Dwight Howard has become the darling of the NBA season. Alas, after the Magic lose to the Rockets in the finals he'll be traded away for a 12 piece KFC bucket. It'll be a fine season in the meantime.

1 - Mascots

2 - Gilbert Arenas
The sting lies in knowing how much better your team has played without you. Yet another injury in a contract year as well? *tsk tsk* Hopefully his side career of becoming the next Apollo Creed can work out after all.

3 - Mangenius
Manny G, seen here in happier days, has endured perhaps the most difficult year of them all. But he didn't lost to the Dolphins, and that will have to serve as an icy cold comfort.


Jesus Christ
Always know that for every hit you get, you must thank Jesus for allowing this to happen, and be grateful that Jesus hates the pitcher you're facing for having masturbated all through college and a bit during the honeymoon.

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Blogger Lord Benne said...

You are on a MFCS roll today.

Fri Jan 18, 03:31:00 PM EST  
Blogger Craig said...

Jerking it is so hard when you live on campus with a roommate. Fortunately my roommate went home every weekend, so I could always find time to do it when I came back drunk and (sigh) alone.

Fri Jan 18, 06:17:00 PM EST  
Blogger Lord Benne said...

Where would you find the time to jerk it during a honeymoon? When you're in the bathroom? When she's in the bathroom? It would have to be a mighty quick one...

Fri Jan 18, 06:51:00 PM EST  
Blogger Sycophantman said...

This explains your utter failure in all the realms of sport. Jesus must have taken away all your athletic ability when he stripped away your soul...

Fri Jan 18, 06:52:00 PM EST  
Blogger Sycophantman said...

Honeymoon masturbation is surprisingly easy, by the way, the trick is to always have a little gas that you can bump up to full blown bowel movement...

Fri Jan 18, 06:53:00 PM EST  
Blogger Lord Benne said...

I'll be sure to remember that if I ever get a honeymoon.

Fri Jan 18, 11:14:00 PM EST  
Blogger Lord Benne said...

On topic again: is that a Miller bottle in Eli's hand? Or is it photoshopped there (along with the girl)?

Fri Jan 18, 11:19:00 PM EST  
Blogger Sycophantman said...

The Eli photo is completely unphotoshopped, by me at least. He and Kyle Orton should totally throw a kegger together.

Sat Jan 19, 07:03:00 AM EST  
Blogger Whisk E. Bear said...

The rise and fall of Gilbert Arenas makes me sad. That Hibachi! shirt I bought two years ago is completely irrelevant. I'll never see those $12 again.

Sat Jan 19, 12:10:00 PM EST  

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