The Glory and The Shame - January 2008

In my ongoing quest to catalog which sports figures are enjoying the greatest increase and/or decrease in good fortunes, I give you this, from the loving oven of my heart. Let this glorious shame wash over you and cleanse you of your sins.

THE GLORY

1 - Eli Manning

What once was pitiful and filled with remorse has sprung forth from the depths of mediocrity. Behold! The Quarterback! Hushing his many critics for a whole week, Eli has served to prove at last that the Giants totally overpaid for him and still regret it. Sorry, Eli...

2 - Bud Selig

How did he get an extension so soon after the steroids implosion? This man has omega-pimp powers that historians will be struggling to explain for decades to come. Full, double hand slap, pimp powers.

3 - Dwight Howard
Currently enjoying a season of dominance not seen since the movie 'Kazaam' ruled the box office for two years and 3 weeks, Dwight Howard has become the darling of the NBA season. Alas, after the Magic lose to the Rockets in the finals he'll be traded away for a 12 piece KFC bucket. It'll be a fine season in the meantime.

THE SHAME
1 - Mascots

2 - Gilbert Arenas
The sting lies in knowing how much better your team has played without you. Yet another injury in a contract year as well? *tsk tsk* Hopefully his side career of becoming the next Apollo Creed can work out after all.

3 - Mangenius
Manny G, seen here in happier days, has endured perhaps the most difficult year of them all. But he didn't lost to the Dolphins, and that will have to serve as an icy cold comfort.

HONOR GUARD

Jesus Christ
Always know that for every hit you get, you must thank Jesus for allowing this to happen, and be grateful that Jesus hates the pitcher you're facing for having masturbated all through college and a bit during the honeymoon.